During the Melbourne Writers Festival this year I went to see Leo Babauta and Sarah Wilson discuss health and happiness in the digital age. I was there to see Leo, and while Sarah is clearly very intelligent, well read and articulate, her style did not gel with me.
During the audience questions somebody asked a great question, the essence being
are we obsessed with happiness?
Sarah answered that she thought we are, and that it’s basically a futile pursuit. Chasing happiness, she said, was chasing the external and therefore takes us away from our core self, distracting us from our broader purpose. “The reason we’re here,” she said, “is to better ourselves through these challenges, through the ugliness.”
While I could see her point, the answer kind of pissed me off. Is it not possible to seek happiness without it being provided through the external? Can we not seek to be content and maintain a positive outlook despite the ugly challenges that are thrown at us?
Imagine my delight when, as part of my mission to watch a Ted talk each day, the next on the playlist was Shawn Achor’s The Happy Secret to Better Work. This particularly struck me:
…when in reality, if I know everything about your external world, I can only predict 10% of your long-term happiness. 90 percent of your long-term happiness is predicted not by the external world, but by the way your brain processes the world. And if we change it, if we change our formula for happiness and success, we can change the way that we can then affect reality.
In that way, Sarah is right — chasing the external is not going to predict happiness. Leo pointed out the great American dream (which is supposed to make you happy) is based on external, visible achievements: get a good job, meet your partner, settle down and buy a house, start a family, etc., and often once you get there it either doesn’t look like you thought it would (and can therefore leave you feeling disappointed or discontent), or you’re left with a ‘well, now what?’ emptiness.
While I agree that seeking happiness via the external will never truly be fulfilling, I certainly don’t think the pursuit of happiness is futile. We just need to reframe our idea of what will make us happy, because money and stuff isn’t going to cut it anymore.
In her book The Happiness Project, Gretchen Rubin found that things like strengthening relationships, service to others, and a commitment to learning and challenging herself contributed to her overall level of happiness. This is where we need to look for happiness, and the shift towards experiences over things reflects that we’re starting to understand that.
Perhaps at it’s core the issue is a semantic one; we always talk of happiness when what we’re actually seeking is contentment. The difference is subtle, but useful. In my case, running a business is endlessly challenging and I often feel overwhelmed and confused. But I am so, so sure that this is the right choice for me and, above all of those negative feelings, I always feel deeply content in what I am pursuing.
When we think about seeking happiness, perhaps we’re picturing ourselves running around giddy with glee, but the good stuff isn’t always going to look like that. That doesn’t mean that it’s not worthwhile though, that it’s not the perfect choice.
As Sarah said, sinking deeper into our challenges brings us grace and connects us with our purpose. And that is deeply satisfying. Chase that feeling.
Success means different things to different people and I feel like that spectrum is widening more rapidly these days and thankfully more of that spectrum is socially acceptable. Whether it’s a promotion, buying a house, travel, fitness and health or any number of other things, happiness or contentment is so personal, no one can tell you what it is to you but you and one of the hardest parts sometimes is figuring out what it is that makes you happy.
So true. I’m reading a book at the moment where the writer talks about a woman who took up figure skating at 40 because she realised it made her happy, and one of the things she had to tackle was feeling silly being the only adult in her class. I love that people are so much more tolerant of people’s weird hobbies these days 🙂
Love the honestly Tahls. I think that the pursuit of happiness, when in balance is a pretty great pursuit. For me it means family, love, travel, learning, fun – to pursue those things as well as giving back all contribute to the pursuit of happiness. Shawn Achor’s Ted talk is one of my all time favorites!! love it and so funny. His books are great as well. Great post lovely x
Thanks Suz! I’ll definitely have to check out Shawn’s books x
Definitely agree with what your putting down about seeking contentment instead of constant overexcited giddiness! I think I’d have to sit down a lot for nana naps if all of life was like that. I just want to always walk around with a half smile on my face, happy with where I am.
Haha so true! I like the half smile, great way to be 🙂
Love this post lady! I totally agree, I’ve been thinking a lot about contentment versus happiness lately and it sits much better with me. It feels like it’s less about the giddy highs and more about sustainable, attainable joy. I also agree with you that we shouldn’t avoid chasing happiness (or contentment!), we just need to better define what that is to us individually
xx
Thank you!
Yes! When people ask me what I’m after, I always say that I want to be content. Great article 🙂
Thanks Nicole! Contentment for the win 🙂