I’ve recently re-committed to my writing practice, which means I’ve set aside 2-3 dedicated blocks of time each week. When I sat down last week it was hell to pull the words out — SO much resistance. That awkward, uncomfortable post felt more like journalling, so it may never see the light of day.

As Joan Didion said, “I don’t know what I think until I write it down”; I start with what’s on my mind, and I see where it takes me. And the crux of that shitty first draft is that I was feeling incredibly stuck and was having trouble pulling anything out, words or otherwise. It was extremely uncomfortable but I did my best to sit with that discomfort and try to understand it.

Fear was a huge part of it. On a webinar someone said that procrastination is often fear in disguise, which stopped me cold. I had been procrastinating HARD in the weeks before I heard that. Which, ironically, was generating its own kind of fear. I had lost passion  for my work and so I pulled right back from it. I am absolutely not proud of that. My clients and my relationships with them are everything to me and I was at serious risk of damaging all of that because I just… couldn’t. I knew I had to shake myself out of it but I didn’t know how.

Part of it was edging too close to burnout. I was worn out and it was too long since I’d had a decent break, so apathy was creeping in. But it was bigger than that. When I forced myself to really examine what was happening, I think the fear boiled down to this: I was afraid that it would all disappear, because I didn’t have the energy to drive it. I would have only myself to blame and yet I couldn’t muster up anything to stop or fix it. It boiled down to a very deep terror which, ironically, was causing me to freeze up completely.

Once I’d identified that (with immense discomfort), I set it aside for a little while. Our brains are excellent at problem solving and often do so when left to their own devices (the best example is those instances when, in conversation, you say “Oh what was the name of that movie again?” and then 4 hours later it just pops into your head). So I let her be while I hibernated for a few days, and she has not disappointed.

What slowly dawned on me, once I acknowledged why I was feeling so scared and blocked and stuck, is that I think it’s time for a change. With clearer eyes I can see lots of little signs and nudges pointing me in the same direction.

The only problem is, I don’t know what that looks like! I don’t know what comes next. This is also uncomfortable for me, because I’m a natural problem solver. I tend to think things through to the nth degree (I dislike the term ‘overthinking’) because I like to understand the whats and whys of any given situation and related possible scenarios. But I can also see I’m not in a place to think my way out of this.

Instead, I am acknowledging: it’s time for change. It’s time for something new. And I commit to being open to what might show up in my life to show me the way.

For my client-friends, or anyone else who feels uncomfortable after reading this, here’s what I do know: I feel certain this won’t be a ‘tear everything down and start again’ kind of change. My intuition is telling me it’s more of a gentle pivot to grow into the next chapter. And I have to tell you, now that I’ve worked through all the mucky feelings, I’m pretty excited to see what that might look like!