Last year, my heart was destroyed when my relationship ended. I’ll be ok I thought, when it first happened. I’ve been here before, I can get through this. Little did I know I was in for the ride of my life and just holding on would take all of my energy, let alone trying to steer.

The good news is things do truly get easier with time, and one of the most valuable pieces of advice my psychologist gave me at the time is to hold on to the hope that it will pass. Because it will, even when you’re in the mud and it feels impossible. It WILL pass. And keeping that in mind is a powerful tool to help you through the really dark places. You need only to get through this hour, this afternoon, this day and then one day you’ll notice that you’re coming out the other side.

From that experience I’ve come to believe that you can’t really fix or heal a broken heart, not actively. Instead focus on taking care of your heart and soothing the pain, and after awhile you’ll find that your clever little heart has managed to stitch itself back together. It might take a long time, but it’ll happen. I’m so certain of this.

In this post I’m sharing 5 things that helped me to take care of my heart during those rocky months. No matter the cause of your heartbreak, I hope you find something in here to help you soothe yours <3

Give it time

Time won’t necessarily heal all wounds but it takes the sting out of them if you let enough time pass. Be patient with yourself and your feelings. There’s no ‘right’ amount of time unfortunately (there was more than one occasion when I desperately asked my friends and counsellor “but how long will it take?!”). Frustratingly, it takes what it takes. Just keep swimming and wait for the time to pass.

Keep busy

The best way I found to help the time pass was to stay busy, with work and the socials. I’d find projects I could sink myself into during the day and have plans to spend time with friends at night and on the weekends. It nearly sent me broke going out so much but it was absolutely worth it for my wellbeing. When I couldn’t sit still I revisited one of my favourite podcasts and went for long walks, or went swimming. All of these things (mostly) kept my mind off what I was going through and helped me get through the endless days and weeks.

Feel your feelings

That said, I don’t believe in avoiding your feelings – if you push them down they’ll come back up at some point so you might as well deal with them. It’s really fucking hard but you need to sink into them sometimes and really process what’s going on. Have a good cry. Get angry. Find a safe receptacle for your ugly thoughts and be a bitter ol’ bitch for a while. Just don’t stay there for too long, that’s not healthy either.

Ask for help

As a naturally prideful and strong person this was really hard for me, but once I got over myself it turned out to be the best thing I ever did. It came in two prongs — help from my friends, and professional help.

In the early days I was chatting to my former manfriend and he expressed surprise at how often I was meeting up with friends (the context being along the lines of ‘how are you getting everyone to come out of the woodwork and support you?’), but it was simply because I put myself out there and asked, constantly. People get busy with their own lives and time flies by (when you’re not in the mud like I was) so I kept asking and kept making plans and kept putting myself out there. Given the opportunity, people were SO willing to help.

The second prong was asking for professional help, and this one took a bit of doing. My GP was amazing (I fronted up to him in tears more than once – sidebar: get comfy crying in front of everyone you know, and people you don’t. It’s going to happen); he was incredibly supportive and provided a comprehensive set of tools and advice to help. One that I resisted for awhile was counselling, simply because I’m pretty self aware and thought I had that part of things locked down. Silly me. Once I finally admitted I needed counselling it was hands down THE BEST thing I’ve done for myself. Having someone external to listen, offer perspective, and challenge your thinking is immensely valuable and something I would recommend to anyone who’s struggling or feeling stuck.

Self care

This gets bandied about all the time these days and means different things to different people but ultimately it’s about supporting yourself and your wellbeing in positive ways. This can be active (like going for a walk, cooking a meal, going out with a friend) or soothing (like sitting in nature, cuddling a pet, or even doing some slow, deep breathing). It’s about tuning in to what you need and giving that to yourself. For me it also includes being patient with and having compassion for myself when I’m not ‘there’ yet or can’t face work, instead of feeling guilty. Think about how you’d treat a friend in your situation and treat yourself the same way.

Ultimately it comes down to doing what you need to do to get through it and trying to do so in a positive, productive way. So yes, getting completely wasted might be what you need this weekend and by all means do what you need to do. But don’t make a habit of it because you’ll just feel like shit in the long run.

As Sarah Von Bargen puts it,

‘…sometimes these are the things we really need to do take care of ourselves and recharge our batteries. Sometimes the only thing that’s going to cure what ails me is a comfy pair of sweats and some processed carbs.

But if I’m not careful, I can convince myself that not-particularly-healthy, not-particularly-beneficial behavior qualifies as “self-care.” ‘

So check in with yourself about what you really need, and be honest about how it’s helping and/or making you feel. It doesn’t matter what you tell anyone else or what they think about what you’re doing, as long as you’re real with yourself.

Take good care of your heart my loves. Focus on soothing what hurts, and hang in there. You’ll be ok, I promise. And if your heart is hurting right now I’m sending you my biggest, squishiest hug xx